From tears to laughter

One of the things that can make adoption so hard is the grief a child goes through in leaving behind all they have ever known, especially with children like Micaelyn who were fortunate enough to receive the love of a caring foster family.  Micaelyn had been with her foster family since infancy.  They were all she had ever known.  It was obviously a close family - she was loved not just by parents but also by grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.  She had cousins.  I believe many of them either lived together in the same household or at the least they all lived very close together.  Micaelyn was obviously loved by them, and she loved them as any 3 1/2 year old child loves her family.  It is hard enough for a person, especially a small child, to accept the loss of one loved family member - to accept the loss of your entire family is nearly unbearable.

Needless to say Micaelyn grieved severely when we first received her.  It was truly heartbreaking to watch her suffer through such a great loss.  She cried incessantly.  She screamed.  She stood by the window yelling for her foster family, and she frequently tried to leave the room to go find them.  Numerous times throughout each night she would get up to leave the room (she learned right away how to unlock the door, even with the deadbolt).  She wouldn't sleep, which undoubtedly only made it that much harder for her to deal with the transition.  Whenever there were Chinese people around she would pull away from us and beg them to take her home.

Thankfully we were prepared to deal with Micaelyn's grieving.  Honestly, we prepared ourselves to deal with much worse.  We felt very blessed in that although Micaelyn grieved severely for her foster family, she did not resist us (at least not me, she wouldn't initially have much to do with her new daddy).  She readily stayed with me most of the time, clung to me very tightly, followed me everywhere, and enjoyed letting me hold and care for her.  She had no problems either giving or receiving affection from me.  Other than when the foster family left and we first took her back to the hotel she didn't ever try to physically fight us.  She was really a good kid who just happened to be grieving hard.

We initially thought Micaelyn's grieving would be like Malachi's had been (who was adopted at age 2 1/2 and had also lived with a foster family).  However, we were wrong.  As it turns out Micaelyn's adjustment actually went much better.  Malachi didn't scream as much (though he cried a lot), but he would frequently completely shut down emotionally, becoming nearly lifeless.  Just like Micaelyn he had trouble sleeping and would frequently awaken during the night crying.  Thankfully he also attached to us very readily, particularly to me, but he continued to grieve for several months.  Though he was overall quite happy and playful, over the first several months after his adoption there would still be times in which he would shut down emotionally or wake up in the night crying fiercely.  Whenever we went anywhere he would cling tightly to me, and he was very shy around people he didn't know (even if we obviously knew them).  It took a full year for him to really open up and show his full personality.

With Micaelyn, while the initial grieving was extreme, she overcame it much quicker.  Literally just 2 weeks after we got her she seemed completely secure in her attachment to us.  Where she had initially preferred Chinese people over us, she would no longer talk to Chinese people by the time we left China.  The people in the hotel in Guangzhou even remarked on her as we were leaving, commenting on how hard she had been crying when we first checked in versus how happy she was when we checked out.  While she had initially completely refused to try out any English words, by the time we left she seemed eager to learn our language.  Once we left China she had to make another transition to her new home, a new country, new food, etc while simultaneously overcoming jet lag.  Yet within just one week she was sleeping well and rarely asking about her foster family.  Within as little as 2 weeks home (1 month after we got her) it was as if we had always had her.  She had attached to us beautifully and was as happy as a child could possibly be.

Many children will grieve intensely just as Micaelyn did.  With some the grieving will last for months just as it did with Malachi.  Perhaps Micaelyn and Malachi's stories will prepare adoptive parents who have yet to travel for the possibility of grieving and give hope for their child to eventually overcome the grieving.  With both Malachi and Micaelyn we said we were happy to see them grieving because we knew that meant they were attached to their foster family and therefore knew how to attach and love, which meant they would also be able to attach to and love us.  Though it was difficult to deal with some of the challenges of the grieving process (e.g. screaming, crying, trying to leave, not sleeping, etc.), it is far easier to deal with the short term challenges of grieving than to deal with the long term challenges of a child who has problems with attachment, and the blessing of having your new child so happily and securely attached to you after going through such a difficult transition is beyond words!

The day we got her.  She was crying for her "baba" (Chinese foster dad) so I gave her a picture of her with him which she clung to for dear life.

The foster family had given her a bag with some yogurt drinks and pomegranates.  She refused to put it down and carried it everywhere.

Even though she kept crying out for her foster family she still readily let me hold her and take care of her.  She let me feed her, change her clothes, and was obviously happy to let me paint her nails.  You can see her staring at the picture of her with her foster dad, and the reason she stayed by the window was because she kept calling out to them looking for them outside.

This was after we walked to WalMart.  You can tell she is trying to smile, but you can also still see the sadness in her eyes.  Notice she still had the picture, but she also had a little wand we had gotten her at WalMart.  The bed is covered in all sorts of her things, some things from her foster family and a lot of new things from us.  She loved all the new clothes, necklaces, and toys.

The next morning she was ready to "que ja," i.e. go home.  She apparently really liked the shoes I had brought for her since she chose to wear them.  She tried to pack the ones from the foster family in her backpack, but since they wouldn't both fit she ended up carry one.  She still carried the wand from us (she had put her picture inside her backpack).

We saw plenty of tears during her first days with us.

It was a great blessing that she so readily accepted affection from me and wanted me to carry her around.

She screamed during her first bath!

This is her third day with us.  She still spent most of her time by the window screaming for her foster family.  In addition to her picture she kept holding a tube of toothpaste which they had left with her (it was actually one I had sent to her in a care package before we traveled, though I think she associated it with them).

 

It was so heartbreaking to see her so sad, but also completely understandable for her to be so upset.

We took frequent walks outside to calm her down.  She enjoyed riding in the stroller.  The walks didn't make her happy, but they did at least give her a rest from crying.  She was definitely watching for her foster family at all times while we were out, hoping we were taking her to them.  Thus going back to the hotel was always rough!

This was 4 days after we got her.  She was starting to warm up to us a little, become a little more interactive.  Caleb was very helpful in trying to get her to play and be happy (he was also good at finding the hidden stash of Oreos, which she obviously enjoyed!)

This picture shows progress in her adjustment - she was actually starting to interact with us, show interest in being with us.

This was also on the 4th day.  You can definitely tell she was starting to play and show signs of happiness.

It was so wonderful to see her actually smiling.  She also had the cutest way of making the peace/victory sign with her fingers!

By the evening of her fifth day with us we finally got to see her true personality.  She spent several hours running around the hotel rooms, laughing, playing, full of happiness and excitement.

Once she opened up we could tell she was a real firecracker with plenty of spunk.  We knew right away she wouldn't have any trouble keeping up with her big brothers!

No more screaming in the bathtub!

After an evening of laughter I feared Micaelyn would wake up the next morning grieving just as she has been before.  However, once she opened up on the fifth evening with us she never went back to such severe grieving.  She would occasionally cry for her foster family, especially if she was tired or upset about something (e.g. she got in trouble, didn't get something she wanted, or didn't feel well like after she got all her shots).  However, she readily accepted that she was with us from then on, and for the most part she acted as if she had always been with us.  She was full of happiness, full of excitement, and full of love.

This was at the hotel in Hong Kong, our last night in China.  The transformation she had made in just 2 1/2 weeks was simply amazing - it was truly an answer to prayers!

Isn't it amazing that a child who had grieved so much could become so happy in such a short time period?  I thank God for all the friends and family who prayed for her and us.

Happy at home!

She is always smiling!

I love the way her little piggie tails meet her chin to form a heart shape around her face.  She really is an adorable little girl!

This was Malachi on his first day with us at 2 1/2 years old.

He cried a lot, but he didn't scream as much as Micaelyn did.  I think his heart condition made it harder for him to cry for long periods of time, so he often just had a forlorn look on his face with tears in his eyes.

At the hotel in New Delhi several days after we got him (he was from Bangalore).

Even after he was home and generally happy he would have periods of time in which he completely shut down emotionally.

Thankfully, although he continued to grieve for several months, overall he was a happy little boy (and astonishingly beautiful!)